What Women Want

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will send you one miracle."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

I have been with the significant other for quite some time now (this is probably the understatement of the century).  We’ve had episodes that would make even the most hardened criminal weep in frustration and some that would baffle even Sherlock Holmes.  With all the history we have, I wish I could say that I can already read her like the palm of my hands, but I can’t.  Some days I would often ask myself, “who the hell is this person?”  One day she’s saccharinely sweet, the next day she transforms into the sourest tamarind.  And just when I thought I’ve finally found the right formula to push the right buttons, she goes ahead and changes her programming.  I’m not even talking about those PMS days here.

I don’t think I am alone in this situation.  I’m sure some boyfriend out there is scratching the dandruff off his balding head and with his free hand strangling the girl in front of him shouting; “Who the hell are you and what did you do to my girlfriend!?”  Seriously, I have yet to find a guy who would tell me, in all honesty, that she knows what women want.

There was a time when I decided to make it my life’s mission to find out what would make the SO happy.  So I read all those books about women coming from Venus and men rising from Uranus.  Or something like that.  What stuck to my mind was that U word;  Understanding.  “Women”, it said, “only need to be understood”.  “Easy as pie”, I thought.  I became Mr. Understanding.  There was nothing the SO could do, no tantrum she could throw, that I wouldn’t understand.  I was the most understanding SOB that ever lived.  Heck, I was understanding personified.  The SO was happy.  And we lived happily ever after.  Not.

The SO was indeed happy with my “transformation”, but not for long.  The smile on my face that says I-know-something-you-don’t was short-lived.  It didn’t even stay there long enough to cause a wrinkle.  After a while I was labeled Mr. Predictable, and eventually Mr. Boring.  I had to really improvise to even go back to square one. 

These days, I no longer strive to understand women, much more the SO.  I find that it only accelerates my depreciation, further alienating the remaining black hairs on my prematurely graying head.  I just brace myself everyday, prepared for whatever episode she throws my way.