Like A Virgin

I lost my virginity two days before going to Singapore.

It was an impulse kind of thing. I must say that I’ve given it a lot of thought before, imagining how it would feel losing the pure feeling of being untouched. I was apprehensive because I have asked people about it and they said there’s a degree of pain involved. While I have a high tolerance for pain, I have yet to wrap my arms around the thought of being violated by another. I consider any excursion to my person to be a violation and it puts me in a state of ambivalence. Being forcibly intruded into is one thing, but to be a willing party to such an intrusion is another.

For years I wanted to do it. I knew way back then that I was ready but fear prevented me from going through with it. As in most things in my life, I knew that the only way for me to actually do it was to do it on impulse. So on that fateful day when it happened, I was just milling around the mall when I felt the urge to do it. Acting on my impulse I found myself in an airconditioned room under a white sheet almost shivering with anticipation. I looked at the other person, who was smiling, and wondered how that person can be so calm about it.

“Let’s get this over with” I mumbled.

Closing my eyes, I prayed that everything would turn out fine.

There was some pain, but it was over in less than an hour for which I was thankful. I looked at myself in the mirror and I can already see the change it brought. I couldn’t say I enjoyed it very much but still I was grateful for the other person’s gentleness although I kept my eyes closed most of the time.

I went to the office the following day as if nothing happened. I made an extra effort not to change the way I walked. Despite my precautions however, one of my closest friends still noticed the change.

“You did it, didn’t you?” She whispered to me when she caught me in the corridor.

I denied weakly but I knew she wasn’t convinced.

A month has passed since that thing and now I’m thinking whether I should do it again. This was one of the things that I was worried about. I knew that once I started doing it, I will have to go through with it over and over again. I realized then that what people were saying was definitely true;

Once you dye your hair black, you never go back.