The Never Ending Goodbye

I thought about closing my blogs, again, but I had a change of heart.  To stave off the loneliness that’s amplified by my severe deficiency in Vitamin A (alcohol), I’ve given in to my sibling’s demand; I am now transformed into a rabid Friendster monster, except that I’m only interested in viewing my own profile.  If that aint a manifestation of extreme narcissism, then I don’t know what is.

I was actually thinking of transferring all my posts to my friendster account and say bye-bye to this world once and for all.  I thought that since only my siblings will be privy to the things that I write, then there’s no longer a need to continue with my anonymity– something that’s been bugging me right from the start. 

After I went back down to earth, I realized that it’s just not gonna happen.  No sooner had I finished tinkering with my profile when I got a couple of requests from friends who are more like acquaintances, I think, asking me to add them as friends.  Sons of bitches.  Unlike in this place where I can ignore people to my heart’s content, the real world is much, much more daunting.  I feel totally naked there, and I don’t think I can bear to look at these folks’ disappointed eyes (should I decline their request) when I meet them in a street or in a hallway.  So I added them in my list of friends and there they are now, baring their teeth, their smiles eternally frozen in their ghastly pictures. 

I hate not being able to act like a jerk.  Shit.  Fuck.  And I thought I can finally be legit.  I know, I know, cursing won’t get me anywhere but it feels so darn good to be able to write those obscene words without fear of reproachful looks.  Anonymity allows me that pleasure.  Which is a silver lining in this case.  I don’t think I will be able to use those delicious words when I do all my so-called writing inside Friendster.  I’m sure my uber-religious sisters and cousins would cringe at those words and would pray a thousand Hail Mary’s for me.

So by the looks of it, this blog will continue to endure the silence of these halls and the bitter sting of sporadic criticisms that go this way. 

ooOoo

It’s now 6:30 in the morning and I still haven’t slept a wink. 

I am troubled. 

And I am exhilirated.