1. Well, aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Do I look like a fucking people person?
4. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. You! Off my planet!
7. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
8. I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
12. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
13. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
14. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
15. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.
16. Earth is full, Go home!

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a fuck.
3. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable … time to up my medication.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!:

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit the Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants It’s Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe you could drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You for Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First you don’t succeed…blame someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.
13. If You Can Read This, I’ve Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. It’s Not How You Pick Your Nose, But where You Put The Booger.
16. If You’re Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It weren’t Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me I’m Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With an Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I in this Handbasket?
34. It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up on a Disk somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off…[Seen On The Back Of A Biker's Vest
37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over .. [Seen upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then why does my mailman look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge to Crack Open A Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Don’t Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks.. God’s Revenge for eating his animal friends
51. Honk If you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
52. Money Isn’t Everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch
53. I Passed The June 2009 Philippine Nursing Board Exams