Journal Entry

When Bono declared that “we’re one, but we’re not the same” not one of us moved. We were all too engrossed in our own thoughts.

It was the night of reckoning. In a few hours, fate would decide whether our lives would take a turn for the better or..

Looking at my mates’ pensive faces, I can almost hear what they were thinking;

“Have I done enough?”

“Should I have studied more?”

Every thought at this point was useless. Our fates were sealed two days ago, on a Sunday afternoon, after the last of our examination papers have been submitted.

There were seven of us; seven hopeful souls from different parts of the country who congregated in a small room in Sampaloc, Manila that still reeked of the collective sweat of its former inhabitants to review for our board exams. Seven guys out of college who shared nothing in common except for a common dream of putting closure to a college course that meant little without the license that a national board examination brings—that is if you pass.

None of us were from Manila. God knows what our parents had to go through just to send us to what we believed was the best review school in the country. The financial consideration for a Manila review, while laughable to some, takes such a huge toll on the remaining family members’ economics that some basic necessities back home will have to be rationed, if not altogether foregone.

From day one, we studied our ass off, and how! Eight hours everyday not counting the time spent for the review classes. We carried our SFAS everywhere. We read it before we sleep, when we wake up, and even when we were taking a dump. I have never studied so hard in my life.

And we prayed, by God, how we prayed; daily novenas, 3 o’clock prayers, the Angelus, reciting the Rosary in the evening, hearing mass every Wednesday and Sunday. We became devotees of St. Jude Thaddeus, we even listened to our muslim mates praying to Allah.

But we were young and we were restless. Even worse, we were from the province. The temptations of the Manila red light districts lured us like a flame does to a moth. We scrimped and we scrounged so we can afford the entrance fees to almost all of the unsavory establishments that dotted Quezon Avenue. We were hooked, but it was our poverty that prevented us from going over the edge. Inside the bars we went to, we could only afford to look, but not to touch. So we just looked, and we looked some more.

And then there were other distractions, like love—that demon that possesses a person’s soul and sets fire to his loins. Some of our mates fell in love with the sophisticated Manilenya girls and for some time, nothing else mattered to them; not the license, not their parents, not even their dreams.

We thought they were lost causes, but we were quick to underestimate the restlessness & impetuousness of youth. These friends soon got tired of playing Casanova & got back to the program. But by then, so much time have passed. Between our almost nightly gallivanting & our other extra-curricular pursuits, we were left with too little time to fulfill what we came to Manila for.

So we crammed. Sacrificing sleep for a little more study time. We crammed & studied so much that I constantly find myself falling asleep on my feet during mass, only to be jolted awake when my knees would give way.

We also intensified our prayers. We offered eggs to nuns in exchange for their prayers, we prayed the Novena in Baclaran, we walked on our bare knees in Quiapo church. No church was too far away or any devotion too difficult if it meant gaining a little favor from heaven to help us with our board exams.

Much to our dismay, the day of the board exams came without us feeling at least marginally confident. We phoned our parents and apologized beforehand. Maybe it was our way of lessening their shock should the unthinkable happen, or perhaps we just needed to hear their voice for support if not comfort.

The board exam days were blurred and hazy. I couldn’t seem to remember any of it except for the heartbreaking sighs of some examinees who reached for answers deep into their brains and came out empty.

Four days of nerve-wracking tension. That was all I can think of as I played with my beer bottle. It’s been two days since the last exam & the bile in my stomach would lurch to my throat everytime I think about to possibility of not seeing my name in the list of successful examinees. I’m sure these were the exact thoughts of my mates too.

No one can really blame us for harboring these dark thoughts. The CPA board exams has one of, if not, the lowest passing percentages of all licensure exams in the country. In the previous board exams, only 12% of the 5000+ who took it passed.

I was shaken out of my reverie when one of my mates suggested that we go and watch a movie instead. We all agreed. The alcohol wasn’t helping.

And neither did the movie. I doubt if anybody actually paid attention to what was showing. It was almost midnight when we got out of the theater. At least two more hours before the first batch of morning papers hit the streets. We don’t know how to spend the next two hours.

Someone suggested that we board a bus to Laguna and just sleep the two hours off. So we did. When we reached our destination, we got off the bus, crossed to the other side of the road and boarded a bus back to Manila. The horizon was starting to light up, signaling the arrival of dawn.

We got off the bus at Makati Avenue just as a newspaper van was starting to unload its cargo. We almost mobbed the newspaper vendor in giving us a copy each. We paid the man & retreated individually to where we could be alone & look for our names in the privacy of our own thoughts.

I couldn’t control the shaking of my arms as I frantically searched for the page that displayed the result of the board exams.

“It’s there! My name is there!” I almost shouted. Then I remembered my mates. I looked for their names. With every name that wasn’t there, I sank lower and lower to the ground until I found myself kneeling & crying for their sakes.

The happiest day of my existence so far was one of the saddest days of my life.

How cruel it was that on the day when I should be feeling like I was 10 feet tall, I should find myself on the ground shaking, unable to look my mates in the eye.